Not a photograph of the giant space diamond

Until recently, talking to most women about outer space was a sure fire method to spending an evening by yourself. Being that astronomers already have to spend most of their nights alone, it was only a matter of time before some of them found a way to finally get women interested in “celestial bodies”.

Located at the core of the white dwarf BPM 37093 is a mass of crystallized carbon 2,500 miles across left over from when the star used up all its nuclear fuel and died. For those of us who paid attention in high school, crystallized carbon is a fancy way to describe a diamond. Weighing in at 10 billion-trillion-trillion-carats – a one, followed by 34 zeros - “You would need a jeweler’s loupe the size of the sun to grade this diamond. Bill Gates and Donald Trump together couldn’t begin to afford it.” says Travis Metcalfe, an astronomer from the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics and leader of the team who discovered the stellar gem.

Seven billion years from now our own sun will have used up all it’s fuel and its core too will crystallize but those interested in getting their hands on the largest known diamond will not want to wait that long. “Every girl wants to be the first one in her galaxy with an engagement ring the size of a burnt out star”. Located about 50 light years away, many women believe they can easily “go without” for roughly 50 years at the speed of light until their prize is claimed for them. Suitors who fail to get the diamond will then be forced to become evil space pirates who destroy other suns just to get their girlfriend an even bigger engagement ring.

Putting aside the possibility of interstellar war with a hostile alien race upset at humanity for trying to turn their own sun into an engagement present, what astronomers really fear is that all this new attention they have brought upon themselves may now force them to actually have to talk to the opposite sex. The implications go even deeper as the Astrophysical Journal who published the teams findings about BPM 37093 considered the unthinkable by including advertising for the first time ever. Potential sponsors included Ralph Lauren, Prada and Tampax.

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